Haven't been blogging for soooo long, I think I should revamp my blog & update my sidebar since everything has changed ever since the last time I blogged actively. I don't like the colour pink, but I don't know why I still put it as my background colour. Sometimes I really bewildered myself...
Why???
These two weeks, I've been thinking alot, about myself. I've learnt about myself more these two weeks than I had for the past 20 years. It's so scary to me. I have this friend who's close to me. He's someone who'll point out my mistake & cruelly tell me straight in my face, make me see things differently, enlighten me, forgive me, educate me, & alot more. A few times, he tells me he doesn't have much time & even though I always disappoint him, the reason why he persist is because he sees in me something good that other people don't.
And among all these, he teach me how to be more
human. But I don't like being human. I don't like having emotions. I've been thinking & it really makes me uneasy. I don't like writing about emo emo stuff but this time, I feel the need to know why am I feeling this way.
I'm sick recently & I injured my foot, so these 2 days I'm resting at home on MC. Today after breakfast, I bought a dvd & watched it with my sister after a trip to the office to clear my stuff. The movie is called
My Sister's Keeper. I recalled Lovelyn saying that it's a super touching movie & she cried like mad. But, I didn't cry at all. Honestly, at some parts of the movie it's really quite touching, but I always held myself back. And I'm wondering why.
Remember I said in one of my posts that it seems like I'm less emotional now... as if I don't have emotions at all? I like that me. I guess it's because it makes me feel in control of myself. Makes me feel... protected. Recently, I think my emotions have come back to me. I feel more things than I usually do, & it makes me scared.
For some reason, I feel rather happy recently. And it surprised me that such simple simple things can make me happy. It's so unexpected that I'd feel this way. On the other hand, those expensive $400 dinners/plays/musicals... even when the time my friend booked the entire restaurant doesn't even make me impressed, needless to say happy. I know I need to learn how to appreciate, but ultimately I think it all comes down to the company.
When I feel extreme happiness, I also feel frightened at the same time. I don't like the feeling. When I feel happy, I feel vulnerable, I feel scared. It's not that I'm masochistic... it's just... weird! Why would people want to restraint from feeling happy? And there are lots of things I don't understand too. Like why do I always do things that contradicts what I'm really thinking? And sometimes I know it's wrong, tell myself to think but I still do it. Strong-headed... stubborn, maybe?
And at times like this... I'll make myself stop feeling anything. And I'll feel protected again.
