Post birthday thoughts

This year has passed extremely fast for me. Now that I've officially entered the big 20, there's lots of things that I have a different perception on. I'd matured a lot as compared to how I used to be, but it's kinda weird how much my thinking had changed. It's like I'm a different person, & I don't know this new Alicia at all. Not the naive, gullible Alicia anymore. Maybe it's the people I hang out with? Or something happened that has that big an impact on me? In whatever case, I like how much I'd grown. I like this change :)


It now irks me when someone gullible made a naive comment, I'll think to myself how can someone be so incredulously stupid & ignorant. But you know... I used to be in that position of that someone just a year ago. Not anymore. The world is not all that beautiful you know... not everyone you cross path with is Santa Claus, you don't just take people's word at their face value. I'd seen a lot more & had learnt my lesson.


On relationships, I'd adopted an insouciant attitude. If I feel like it, I'll chat with you. Once I feel bored, I'll stop replying. But this is one thing which I felt I'd changed the most. I don't used to be like that. Now it's like... I can't even be bothered. Have then have, don't have then ok lor. This has been going on for a few months already. I go on dates, but not frequently. And when someone starts to show just a little interest in me, I'd be very uncomfortable, ultra turned-off & irritated by him. I don't know why! Yes it feels good to be treated like a princess & taken care of, but it irks me at the same time too!


When I'm on dating terms with a guy, the most I can manage when sms-ing is a . Anything more & I'll feel nauseous. I can't bring myself to say "I miss you" or put a kissing emoticon in my msges. And whenever he includes the kissing emoticon, or say "miss you" & such, I'll feel extremely uncomfortable I'll shut down.


Also, I don't cry as easily anymore. Just awhile back, I cry at the littlest things... at any romantic scene, even at Jack Neo's comedy "horror" movie.  Now, I find that the things that can make my heart wrench are when I read articles on family relations or see a clip of the disabled. It's like I've become less emotional, if I have any emotions at all. I still like watching romance comedy but inside I think these love stories are all bullshit. And I'm not as easily frightened as before. Previously, I don't even dare to watch horror movies trailers when they're on tv. Granted, I still don't have the courage to watch horror movies. But at least I can somehow daringly look without averting my gaze when the trailer is on.


In the past, I think it's very sweet whenever I see my friends & their partner exchange sweet nothings on their facebook wall. A long time ago I even quarrelled with my exbf at why wouldn't he put 'in a relationship' with me. Now, I think it's redundant & childish & stupid & mushy. Why must people announce their rs progress on each other's facebook wall? One moment its a break up wall post "Days with you are the happiest time of my life. Goodbye love". 5 hours later it's a patch up wall post, "Bibi, let's not leave each other again, till death do us part."  (And the same thing repeats itself next month or so.) That is so gross I get goosebumps from reading it, albeit entertaining.


One of my friend even created a profile for their pet dog & name herself & bf as mummy & daddy! But to be fair, these people may be soooooooo in love that they live in their own worlds. Love makes one crazy right? Maybe when I'm in love I'll do the same things. NOT! It's so silly & childish, to me lah.


Anyway, it's getting increasingly hard for me to find someone I have a slight interest in. Long gone are the days where you fall in love hard & fast. I remember it was so easy when we were little (like 13 or so), to have a crush on somebody. Now it's hard to even have a small liking for someone, even when he's very eligible. Actually there's one, but I kinda blew it. When face to face with someone I like, I can't be myself. I'll not behave like myself at all, e.g how I eat. I am not looking, but if it comes, I'll let things take its natural course :)


What about needs? Yes, sexual needs. Hahaha my own friends (esp Cheryl) have been very curious about it & asking me (how I manage) every now & then. And they're surprised at how well I can contain it. No choice!! I can't bring myself to have casual sex with someone.. I'll feel disgusted by myself. I know it's different for men though.


As for family, although most of the times I'm hanging out with friends, I'd been hoping to spend more time with them. Am bringing mum out next week to bond. Oh & I'm about to get my car license already :)