Why???
These two weeks, I've been thinking alot, about myself. I've learnt about myself more these two weeks than I had for the past 20 years. It's so scary to me. I have this friend who's close to me. He's someone who'll point out my mistake & cruelly tell me straight in my face, make me see things differently, enlighten me, forgive me, educate me, & alot more. A few times, he tells me he doesn't have much time & even though I always disappoint him, the reason why he persist is because he sees in me something good that other people don't.
And among all these, he teach me how to be more human. But I don't like being human. I don't like having emotions. I've been thinking & it really makes me uneasy. I don't like writing about emo emo stuff but this time, I feel the need to know why am I feeling this way.
I'm sick recently & I injured my foot, so these 2 days I'm resting at home on MC. Today after breakfast, I bought a dvd & watched it with my sister after a trip to the office to clear my stuff. The movie is called My Sister's Keeper. I recalled Lovelyn saying that it's a super touching movie & she cried like mad. But, I didn't cry at all. Honestly, at some parts of the movie it's really quite touching, but I always held myself back. And I'm wondering why.
Remember I said in one of my posts that it seems like I'm less emotional now... as if I don't have emotions at all? I like that me. I guess it's because it makes me feel in control of myself. Makes me feel... protected. Recently, I think my emotions have come back to me. I feel more things than I usually do, & it makes me scared.
For some reason, I feel rather happy recently. And it surprised me that such simple simple things can make me happy. It's so unexpected that I'd feel this way. On the other hand, those expensive $400 dinners/plays/musicals... even when the time my friend booked the entire restaurant doesn't even make me impressed, needless to say happy. I know I need to learn how to appreciate, but ultimately I think it all comes down to the company.
When I feel extreme happiness, I also feel frightened at the same time. I don't like the feeling. When I feel happy, I feel vulnerable, I feel scared. It's not that I'm masochistic... it's just... weird! Why would people want to restraint from feeling happy? And there are lots of things I don't understand too. Like why do I always do things that contradicts what I'm really thinking? And sometimes I know it's wrong, tell myself to think but I still do it. Strong-headed... stubborn, maybe?
And at times like this... I'll make myself stop feeling anything. And I'll feel protected again.
4 comments:
Jaslin here <3 <3
I totally get what you mean because I always wish that I have no emotions. Rather have a stone heart to block out whatever sadness.
A stone heart is not a good thing. It is the lazy way out. You cheat yourself out of future good times and also block guys from wanting to know the real you. Everybody has been hurt but that makes the next Love so much better.
@Jaslin: Hey dear! You don't need to wish that, it's not a good thing. I envy ppl who can live in the moment & love without a care.
@Anony: Yes I know that, of cos I know. They say you have to take the leap of faith & trust, to find happiness. But I guess I'm just so afraid that I rather protect myself than risk being hurt :'( Anw little ppl know the real me cos I'm stubborn & childish & always do what my heart wants to, which may not be what I really think. I thought I don't but I care how ppl see me. But, who's to blame lol. Ppl being ppl, they'll always be judgemental, right?
People are always judgmental but why do you care what they think? Do you feel better about yourself if others think you're cool, hot, part of the cool crowd? Cute on the outside doesn't mean cute on the inside. I think I had to like myself in order to realize that I don't really care what others think of me. It isn't that I don't care to have friends, it is just that I don't care to fit into the molds that people try to fit you into. Like me for who I am, not for who you want me to be. You sound like most women who think, "I really like this guy and have a good time with him, so if I can just make a change here and there, he will be great".
If I have said anything offensive, it is probably because I am an asshole. Ya think?
This is getting long. I'll stop back by Tuesday and see whazup wit U.
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